61 Reasons My Baby Is Giving Me the Stink-Eye

…Right now. Really.

The stink-eye should be an infant milestone that you discuss at your child’s well visits while the doctor scribbles notes:

Stink-eye fully mastered at 2 weeks. Follow-up on stink-face progress at 4 week check-up. May be gifted in stink-face development.

My child has mastered a wide variety of expressive facial contortions, and there’s a good chance that he is honing his stink-eye skills right now. Here are 61 reasons why…

  1. He’s hot
  2. He’s cold
  3. He’s a comfortable temperature, but doesn’t like what’s on tv
  4. He’s bottle-feeding
  5. He’s breast-feeding
  6. His whole milk isn’t organic DHA-enhanced
  7. Grandma is visiting
  8. Grandma is not visiting
  9. Grandma left the country
  10. The sun is in his face
  11. The sun is behind a cloud
  12. The sun has set, and it’s nighttime
  13. He’s eating homemade baby food
  14. He’s eating store-bought baby food from a jar
  15. You won’t let him go on the Paleo diet
  16. He doesn’t want to get in the bath
  17. He doesn’t want to get out of the bath
  18. The stuffed monkey is touching his leg
  19. The stuffed monkey is not touching his leg
  20. The stuffed monkey is all the way across the room sitting in his chair
  21. He’s pooping
  22. You’re dropping him off at daycare
  23. You’re picking him up from daycare
  24. You won’t let him eat the bug off the floor
  25. You won’t let him eat the leaf off the floor
  26. You won’t let him eat the dust bunny off the floor
  27. He ate the bug off the floor
  28. He ate the leaf off the floor
  29. He ate the dust bunny off the floor
  30. Alex Trebek is not on tv
  31. He wants a toy block…
  32. no, a red toy block…
  33. no, a green toy block…
  34. no, a red toy block…
  35. You stop him from spastically unwinding the roll of toilet paper
  36. You stop him from spastically emptying the contents of your purse
  37. You stop him from spastically throwing Tupperware and dish towels around your kitchen
  38. It’s time for a nap
  39. It’s not time for a nap
  40. You stopped at a red light (yes, he gives you the stink eye in the mirror)
  41. You won’t let him put his stuffed monkey in the toilet
  42. His stuffed monkey is wet with toilet water
  43. You’re eating something
  44. You’re posting a photo of him on Instagram
  45. You’re not posting a photo of him on Instagram
  46. There is a breeze, and it is blowing his hair
  47. You’re looking at him
  48. You’re not looking at him
  49. He wants to be picked up
  50. He wants to be put down
  51. He doesn’t want to wear clothes
  52. He wants to wear a shirt, but not pants
  53. He wants to wear a shirt, but not pants or a diaper
  54. He wants you to hold his hands while he walks…
  55. just one hand…
  56. no, the other hand…
  57. no, not that hand either!
  58. He wants you to play with him
  59. He doesn’t want you to touch his toys
  60. He is dreaming that you’re touching his toys
  61. You’re sitting down

I didn’t know about the stink-eye until it started happening. No one warned me. It wasn’t in any of the six dozen baby books I read during my pregnancy. Why doesn’t anyone talk about the stink-eye? How did he even figure out how to do stink-eye? I posed this question to my mother one day, only to have her laugh at me. “You, of course!” she replied.

I responded by giving her the stink-eye.

So if your little one is giving you the stink-eye too, try not to stress. Consider it a compliment, and remember: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

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