Thinking of having a baby? Before you get to some intentionally irresponsible friskiness and peeing on your hand while aiming for that tiny little stick, you should get out the pen and paper and make a list. This is not a list of your favorite baby names or a list of nursery decor themes. This is your pre-pregnancy bucket list.
Yes, I know bucket lists are life goals that you attempt to complete before you die, but babies may as well be delivered by a stork carrying a scythe. Because the second you find out you are pregnant, as wonderful as that moment can feel, life as you know it is over. Here are five things you’ll want to put on your pre-pregnancy bucket list:
1. Pre-Baby Babymoon
A babymoon was not an option for my spouse and I. Before I became pregnant, we used to tote piles of money to the backyard to burn. Once those two lines showed up on the pregnancy test, all our money began mysteriously disappearing into a black hole that developed in our soon-to-be nursery. Luckily, we suspected this might happen, so we took a quick trip abroad a few weeks before we pulled our goalie. If you’re lucky enough to be able to afford both a pre-baby babymoon and a babymoon, well then, I hate you. But if you can swing it, take both trips, heck travel the world for the next 6 months, because for the next 18 years you will never travel as well as you do sans fetus. And once you’re pregnant, your kid will never travel as well as they do in utero.
2. Buy Shit
Remember that previous part about burning money in the backyard? We didn’t really do that, but it sure felt like we had money to buy all kinds of random, totally awesome, don’t-need-but-really-really-want stuff. Hell, I’m pretty sure I was also buying stuff from the don’t-need-and-don’t-really-even-want category as well. Keep doing that. It will be the last time you ever get to do that. Seriously. Ever. I bought clothes, because I thought it would be fun to grow out of them just a few months later and not be able to fit back into them until a year after baby arrived and two bouts of back-to-back strep throat later. Buy fragile stuff too so that baby has some fun things to break a few years down the road.
3. Indulge Your Vices
Alcohol, deli meats, aspartame, hot dogs, cigarettes, coffee, red dye, antibiotic laden chicken, schedule 1 drugs – now is the time to enjoy all your favorites. Because once you have a little human riding shotgun, these will mostly be off-limits. And in some cases illegal – no judgment. Okay, I’m judging you. Regardless, enjoy it while you can. Nine months is a long, lonely time to give up whatever gets you through the day.
4. Sleep a Lot
Spend a lot of extra time snoozing and basking in your favorite sleep positions. Once you’re pregnant you won’t be allowed to do that anymore. You won’t be allowed to sleep on your back, you won’t be able to sleep on your stomach, and you’ll be discouraged from sleeping on your right side. It’s a very special kind of hell.
5. Spend Copious Amounts of Time Doing Your Favorite Hobby
Reading, gardening, knitting, gambling, stamp-collecting, scrapbooking, bowling, bread-making, reality show binge watching – do it all to excess now. Spend a week doing nothing but your hobby. Turn your kitchen into an Amish bakery, knit matching sweaters for you and your spouse, and do a whole lot of whatever it is that stamp collectors do with stamps. Do your hobby so much you start to loathe it. That way you won’t miss it so much when you don’t have the time or energy to do it later.
Being pregnant and having a child are really special, but the truth is it will be the death of your leisure time, cash surplus, and restful sleep. Make your bucket list now, and begin checking off your pre-pregnancy goals. Then once you’ve completed your list, stock up on pregnancy tests and empty that bucket. Carry it with you along with some crackers and ginger ale because it will come in handy once your first trimester nausea kicks in.
What’s on your pre-pregnancy bucket list?
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